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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
i like to flex on them by shrugging
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks