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I haven鈥檛 received any good news lately. I鈥檓 starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew鈥檚 fall festival may have been a fraud.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 馃檪
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
In India, when they say there鈥檚 an elephant in the room, there鈥檚 an elephant in the room.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 馃獎
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.