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Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?