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I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums