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My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!