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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.