You Might Also Like
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief