You Might Also Like
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
We avoided this particular disaster
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.