You Might Also Like
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Story time
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
