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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.