You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Introverted vegans go meetless
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.