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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
We know he can swim but…
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.