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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
How actors in movies eat their food
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.