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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.