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They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Seems legit.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
🧠
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe