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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*orders delivery*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman