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If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress