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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness