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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I mean…but I did
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
normalize having existential bread
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican