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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.