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“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though