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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
mariah carrie
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
iPhone X
