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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.