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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I put the p in pants.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends