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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat