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how DARE
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.