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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.