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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
where do you see yourself in five years?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me