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My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Miscakes
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Perfect
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.