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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
shut up and take my money
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”