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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
The most important meal of the day is the next one
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
shazam but for random noises outside
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
