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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
edward fingerhands
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite