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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.