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me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD