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i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
*watches the world burn*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs