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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
dads on road-trips be like
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT