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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
the simulation is moving too fast
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead