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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
those birds must be on payroll
broke down and did it
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.