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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Pigeon open mic night.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?