You Might Also Like
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts