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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Damn he played himself
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Overindulged this afternoon.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.