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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.