You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
So that’s what we looked like?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
real
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.