Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.