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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.