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“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12