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Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…