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Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.