You Might Also Like
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Why am I like this?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.