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[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Lmbo
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.