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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.