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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.