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[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Kids: Stay in school.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I like crazy people until they notice me
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
uncle dave has been through hell
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
i think my razor is having a panic attack
