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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.