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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Attacked by a mop.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.