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i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
yall want some gasoline milk
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Oh my god
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014