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I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
This rocks
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.