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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Donkey Kong sommelier
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.