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Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
ok this is my dumbest yet
British people
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
