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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
This is so me 😂😂
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.