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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.