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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?