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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?