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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I missed you with all my darts
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
HELP 😭
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.