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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks