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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
where do you see yourself in five years?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Whoa… oh I see lol
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’