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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.