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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.