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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Happens to everyone.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.