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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!