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I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
No. He’s not coming out to play
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.