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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen