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My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Hmmmmmmm….
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now