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I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.