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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.