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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?