does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
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Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear