Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one