Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

Hmmmmmmm….

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Butt weight. There’s more!

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.