Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

PLOT TWIST:

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

Van Gone

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.