Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

😂😂

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great